Why is today’s essay not about what’s happening in Gaza?
Because I am a white US anarchist of Irish Catholic descent. There’s plenty I feel like I can do: provide emotional support for my friends who are more directly affected; donate to organizations like the Palestinian Children’s Relief Fund; use my platform to uplift the voices of people with more relevant experience and opinions. But there’s no particular reason my voice should be the one that’s heard in this.
In case there’s any doubt where I stand, it’s clear to me: Israel is the occupier. Palestine should be free. US taxpayers, including myself, are complicit in the murder of innocents. Nothing justifies the murder of innocents. The IDF and Hamas have both done this and deserve condemnation for their actions. But it’s not samey-samey as if these are two equal and opposing forces. The scale is not comparable, and the power each force brings to bear is not comparable. Gaza is an open-air prison of people who have never been convicted. There is nothing that can justify that. Nothing.
That’s where I stand on the issue. It’s the position I learned from my Israeli friends, all of who refused service in the IDF–some left the country, some went to prison. One feigned insanity. All of them have marched with Palestinians against the Israeli government. As a white US anarchist, I’m quite used to condemning the actions of my own government while acknowledging the material benefits I’ve had in my life as a result of those horrendous crimes.
That’s not what today’s post is about. Today’s post is about reaching middle age, and it’s a refutation, or a complication, of the idea that everyone gets more conservative as they age.
The Brittle Sword Has No Use In Battle
or: A Punk Looks at 40
I turned 40 last December, and for the first time since I’d turned 30, I threw a birthday party. Where I live, I have to import my friends–I’m hours from the nearest city of note. Ten or so folks drove all day to see me, and we stayed up late talking and eating while my dog happily went from person to person, demanding affection. It was low key, and I was grateful for that. I’m grateful for my low-key life.
If you’d ask me when I was 20, I would have told you I figured I’d never see 40.
I would have been half-lying.
For all my bluster and bravado, I never fully bought into life-fast-die-young. I accepted a young death as a possibility, maybe even a probability, but I hedged every bet I could. I’ve always wanted to live the wildest excesses available in life, but I’ve always wanted to do them as safely as possible. In essence, I’ve always worn my seatbelt. Every riot I’ve been to, I’ve always had one eye on the exit. I wear a helmet when I ride on the back of motorcycles. I never fucked with hard drugs. I don’t drive drunk. I wear condoms. When I used to ride trains, I usually–but admittedly, not always–followed the two main rules of safety: don’t catch on the fly (don’t jump on moving trains) and never get catch out (jump on a train) drunk. When hitchhiking, I’ve asked drivers where they were going. I never slept in squats with candles still lit. I paid my loitering violations to avoid accruing warrants. I never traveled with drugs on me. When I used to steal, I kept my shoplifting under the felony line. I proudly drive like a grandma.
Which is to say, I’ve been a stick-in-the-mud.
I’m also still alive, edging towards 41. I’m happy I’m here.
Some of that is luck. I still rode trains. I still sat in trees. I still passed out drunk in gutters in foreign countries without a dollar, kroner, or euro to my name. I still ate trash, I still slept on rooftops, I still got in stranger’s cars while hitchhiking. I still went with a stranger to his apartment who paid me to pose nude for his art. I still pushed through police lines. I still went to jail. I still pulled knives on bigots. I still did all kinds of shit that has killed people I know. I’ve been lucky.
I’ve calmed down now, in most respects, and I’m grateful for the luck I’ve had. I’m grateful for the risks I took. I’m grateful that I always calculated those risks. I’ve always looked for ways to mitigate risk while still doing whatever it is that I want to do.
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